For almost all my life I have been a victim. That came at me within the last 24 hours.

I know that what I am doing is God’s will. My gift and office, even though becoming clear a mere six years ago, has defined me from birth. So I am at peace. I am also satisfied that my victimization has not totally disabled me. That doesn’t change what the eyes and ears of my soul were flooded with Thursday evening on the way to work.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????So what is this about? A public forum like this is not the place to list every event that builds on this revelation, but some things need to be listed.

I was raised in poverty, sometimes without enough food for everyone in the family. That powerlessness, and the insensitivity of religious people who buy into the prosperity gospel, has an impact. I had to leave my beloved high school because the school board changed the boundary one city block. When I was 19 years old I moved my 14th time. Even though I followed church law meticulously I still had my ministry destroyed, in gouging chunks over two decades, by the bureaucracy. I have been the target of racism that saw me lose my job. I have been slandered, betrayed, deceived and banished, all of which resulted in lost jobs or spiritual home. So I have moved 27 times – so far. The effects of gossip are not theory to me, but harsh and cruel reality. Other more personal stuff I choose not to list.

That list, though not complete, gives a sense of what I refer to as my victimization, though until tonight I was mostly oblivious to that picture and label.

Like all victims I had a retreat place in my mind to which I escaped. Tonight I went there, and realized: 1. what it was; 2. that I had no need to go there; and 3. that I was missing the world I was driving by because of it (especially the songs on the radio).

Just me

Just me

The second thought that came to mind was that here I am, a few years from retirement, and still making enormous discoveries about my humanity.

So, I guess I’ll do something about it, though personally and professionally I know that when the light of awareness shines on the shadows the problem is 90% resolved. As I wrote this I became aware that God has been actively setting me up for this revelation for about a week.

But that’s not my point. I wish to say I am never too old to feel the wash of the transforming compassion of Christ on my weakness, shadowed past or brokenness.

Whatever your age, never lose hope. Never give up. “…there is a song of joy in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b God’s Word).

Please read all of Psalm 30. Let God have the last word!

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